This site is public but it is also intensely personal. I have always felt like being open was how I best explore my thoughts.
I often wonder (and hope) that someone will read my words, and it will help them feel less alone for a while.
So often we have pressure from many sides to be “fine”. Even after significant trauma. I wanted to stand up and raise my hand and say “not me”.
I won’t remain in that place of fragile peace. I willingly explore my pain, learn all of its edges and listen to the whispers of lessons learned in the hardest ways.
Some days, I survive through escapism; substances, sex or distraction. I crave moments where the weights aren’t so heavy. Sometimes carrying them isn’t sustainable. I allow myself some level of human need for relief without shame, but I also recognize how this can become destructive.
I am not a “perfect victim”. I haven’t been recovering in a near linear way, and I didn’t survive easily or without cost.
If you can sit with me in the beautiful ambiguity of life, in all its holy moments, and its pain. In all of it’s moments of silence, or lack of meaning. Then maybe, we can meet here stripped of anything but our complex humanity and a will to live.
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